i need an iv and a liver transplant
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You have to summon your inner elephant
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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