Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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