I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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