I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
