Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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