My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
