I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He passed out mid-signature
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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