I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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