Quick, to the slutcave!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
