At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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