Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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