Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
