The best revenge is premature balding
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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