I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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