Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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