if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
