he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
