Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
