She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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