The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
