why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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