well you can't waste a boner
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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