seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
