How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
