They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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