Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
