Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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