Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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