I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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