that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This house was built for laser tag.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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