Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
