you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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