I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He felt like a one man threesome
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
