I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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