it hurts more in the daytime
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
