and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
