Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
