Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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