Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
