he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
