I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
