I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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