Pappa wants mamma naked
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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