Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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