Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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