her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
