I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
