You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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