his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
