I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
