we have pet lesbian snakes
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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