so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
