one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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