You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
