He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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